A Self Becoming

I can't remember exactly when I got a Pinterest account (awomanthatrains is the username in case you're interested), but I know that in whatever amount of time I've had it, it's been a dangerous device. For instance, it has encouraged me too cook outside of my realm of expertise and to seek clothes that I have absolutely no reason (or means) to buy, because at the end of the sleep cycle, I will always choose jeans and a sweater over a merlot colored dress, tights and suede wedge booties on a school day. It has enabled my cynicism and sarcasm while attempting to culture the sweet and domestic young lady the entire site is geared toward. It has created in me a dichotomy of who I actually am and who I think I should be.

But perhaps it's not who I think I should be, but rather who the Pinterest community itself thinks I should be. And though I am a Pinterest user, I am not the community, nor am I the majority within the community, as far as I can tell.

The phenomenon of social media and its effect on association with group mentality is tragically unacknowledged as far as Pinterest goes. I've read some articles and blogs about Facebook's role in cyber depression, and I have a post in the works regarding twitter and the tigger complex, but Pinterest is a whole new animal. The site itself represents the single idea of perfect girl. While on the site, you're inundated with all the ideas of perfection that are on trend, and following trend is always trendy. There's an unsaid expectation based on other social norms, enforced by the positive feedback of other girls pinning what you've pinned. Each notification is a "yes, good, keep doing that."

But again, I can't afford the clothes I pin, nor would I wear them if I could. I can't cook the recipes I post, I can't keep that cute organizational system for more than 4 uses. My wedding board has 222 pins on it and I haven't had a relationship in two years. The most notifications I've gotten have been on two styles of bridesmaid dresses. They will be out of style by the time I'm planning my own wedding. 

So why do I pin them? Why does anyone pin them? At what point did I start asking myself "am I pinning this because I like it? Or am I pinning it because I think they will?" And I'm sad to admit that most of the time, it's the latter. I look through my boards and honestly, my Pinterest personae, if incarnate, would be a perfect stranger to me. We wouldn't even run in similar circles. All the actual pins I enjoy are on secret boards. 

I'm not pinning who I am. So am I pinning who I want to be? Or am I pinning who I think the 200 followers want me to be?

The answer is usually pretty easy to determine. It gets a little fuzzy when it's an older pin. Because I keep a journal, I can see that I am not the same person I was when I pinned the early pins. But the board that I cannot determine is the board I called "the 20s".

This board started as a very pure board. It was exactly who I decided I wanted to be when I turned 20. The theme has stayed pretty consistent and I still agree with most of the pins. But there's one small problem: I turn 20 this year, and I am nowhere near becoming the person I thought I would be. 

When I made the board, I didn't account for the fact that I would have influences and conditions that would either prevent me from becoming that person or turn me into someone else altogether. 

By now, I thought I'd have a better sense of style, more influences of poetry and Hemingway, an identity in my living space... And I don't. I just don't. 

To be very clear, I'm happy with who I've become, who I'm on track to become, and everything that entails. However, I don't believe I'm anyone like who I thought I would be. Actually, maybe I didn't even know who I was going to be ever. Which is probably a good thing. 

People who meddle with their own fates live to regret it. At least, that's what theme, literature and cult TV implies (i.e. Macbeth, Julius Caesar, David Tennant, Matt Smith...). If literature is actually relevant for theme and not just something to do on public transportation, then maybe I should heed my own advice from ENGL 3000 and just let my fate come, it's inevitable anyway. Trying to avoid it is just taking a different path to the same destination.

None of this changes the fact that I legitimately feel like my personal growth has been stunted. But it's like that Madeleine L'Engle quote that's superimposed over hipster photos on my Pinterest feed: "A self is always becoming."

So I'm just going to keep becoming, and you should keep becoming, and we'll all keep becoming who we should become. It's very becoming, you know, to be who you should be.

In the mean time, I will keep going on Pinterest during large, mind-numbing lectures and prolonged periods of boredom because I believe if you're not just a little bit confused, you're not doing it right.