Fluent in English

It's been a trend for a while that the internet allows for poor grammar and usage. Think I'm wrong? Go through your newsfeed.

The causes may vary: Public education, lack of intelligent stimulation, lack of spell check, sticky keys while eating caramel corn (IT HAPPENED!), or in my case, a lack of practice.

I've noticed, with SO MUCH EMBARRASSMENT, that I, too, suffer from horrible grammar. The kind that used to make me cringe, then promptly yell at the display. I hate myself a little for it. So I decided to do something about it. And by doing something, I mean write a blog post.

I distinctly remember the good ol' days of being the uncontroversial Queen of Grammar. Well, that's not true, that was my mom. I was the Duchess of Usage. I met fellow enthusiasts in high school, but still didn't feel threatened.

Now, I feel a need to submit my blog posts and Facebook* statuses to my English teacher before publication. Because I've caught myself messing up. Either I am worse at grammar now and am just realizing that, or I'm better now and never realized how bad I've always been, and I hope to God above that it's the former. Because I can fix that, that one is about present and future, but the past is stuck, and that scares me. 

But as there's been a decline in grammar, there's been an increase in snotty remarks and snippy ecards about how frustrating bad grammar is. But honestly, I don't know where anyone gets off feeling superior in that regard. At least not the people making those snide comments, because I'm sure the editors at MLA have better things to do, like debate about the Oxford comma.

No one is really fluent in English anymore, at least not in that regard. It's a sad thing, but it's true. My AP Lang teacher said, while in a heated debate about the importance of teaching grammar, that as long as the point is communicated intelligently, then there's no reason to be concerned with grammar's finer points. I, representing the pro-education side, argued that if we don't continue to teach grammar, the finer things will be lost. It's an art form, like great piano playing. And just like concert pianists have to practice their craft, so do grammarians theirs.

Maybe it's one of those things that is only valuable to those who have it, like how the people in North Korea, by and large, are completely content with that way of life because they don't know what it's like to live anywhere else. Plus, defecting is incredibly arduous. Actually, I'm really happy with that simile. I'm keeping it that way. No offense to anyone who would be North Korean by that comparison.

I'm just glad that I'm the one who was raised by the Queen of Grammar, because I do value my ability to determine a gerund versus a participle, though I'm not entirely sure I use 'versus' correctly to this day. Maybe I'll finally figure it out now that I'm aware of my shortcomings.

*Anyone else notice how the icon for Facebook is a lowercase 'f' but the little, red, squiggly line only goes away when it's capitalized?

No. 1

I have a sneaking suspicion that this will not be the first of this kind of post, hence the title.

"What kind of post is this, exactly?"

Good question, kids. It's about those weird, funny times when one moment I'm living like normal, then I blink, and in that fraction of a second, my perception changes, and all of a sudden I'm observing and analyzing my living patterns, but I can't write an entire post about any of them individually. These are my observations. 

First

I've noticed the number of syllables in my Starbucks order is inversely related to my mood. Basically, the worse I feel, the more I send my comma count through the roof. Think I'm lying?

Just hanging out with friends: 

-> Tall hot cocoa

Before my 8am Calc II class on the first day back from break, after closing at work until 1 am the night before:
-> Triple, grande, non-fat, no whip, extra hot, double cup white mocha

I am not ashamed. Much.

Second

I am the most optimistic when I'm setting my alarm. I have it set for 4:45. Wanna know how many times I've actually woken up at 4:45? Once, because I hadn't really fallen asleep since going to bed at 4:30.

It always happens to be that point at night when I think "I have so much to do tomorrow morning!" or "I will treat tomorrow-me to an extra 15 minutes of prep time!" or "I can get up and make pancakes before I go!" that I set my alarm. And then tomorrow-me either wakes up at 4:45, weighs the necessity of makeup against the warmth and comfort of sleeping in bed, and resets the alarm for later, or just sleeps through it. Flat out.

And that, kids, is how I almost failed philosophy.

Third

Third, I would rather spend money on new clothes than do laundry. Let's translate that into real meaning: I would rather not eat than do laundry. Let's translate that again: I still want to spend money on food, and I'd like to not do laundry, even though it's free, so I'll buy clothes, and the only way to have that much money is to work three jobs. I would rather work three jobs than do laundry. WHAT.

The more experience I have on my own, the less proficient I become at prioritizing. Instead, I've become better at triage and simplifying. By that I mean my diet has become the same thing over and over again, and anything that's too expensive doesn't make the cut. Also, if it takes too long to cook, it's out. Sorry, protein.

Fourth

I started this thinking I had so many witty things to say and clever ideas to share, when really, I don't. I just wanted to say that Starbucks thing in a Facebook status, but had already posted a status for the day, and didn't want to share twice. So I blogged about it instead. 

Again, I'm not ashamed. Much.

Then I blogged about blogging about it.

I need to quit.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

They say 'all things in moderation,' but really, who listens? Or rather, what listens? Answer: Absolutely no one and nothing. People show a complete disregard for this (or at least, I do), and so do the Powers that Be. 

There's a reason I just watched all 7 seasons of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. And 6 of Doctor Who. And most of Scrubs. I can't help it. Moderation is quite frankly a foreign concept. There are too many questions that have no concrete answer. How much time is too much free time? Do I really spend too much time doing nothing? Is that actually the correct portion size for coffee? Are my blankets too fluffy and numerous? Are there too many things to do?

The questions can only be answered when it's too late, when I can take a step back and evaluate the situation and say "That. That is too much." It's never an 'in the moment' decision, and there's not really a line that you see yourself crossing.

And then there's the whole other problem of scaling back. If you can't see the line you crossed, how can you know when you've crossed back over? Some days I feel like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense, I've crossed over and have NO IDEA. (Sorry for the spoilers. But if you didn't know that already, that's your loss.)

Back when high school was coming to a close, I wanted nothing more than independence. I wanted to be in control of all of my decisions, I wanted that power. But then I got it. Now, I'm budgeting time between work and school and errands, and panicking about fixing my car and paying for food while trying to squeeze in a social life. Independence is great. All 24/7 of it. (Psych! Not really.)

Even while trying to budget my time, fit all things in moderation, sometimes I just can't help but overwhelm my day and have to take advantage of the 24 hour grocery store. It's the way it has to be; life isn't coming in moderation. Problems don't come budgeted. Everything comes at once. The mechanic, the registrar, and my doctor all have set hours. Something needs to get pushed back to 11:30 pm. Thank you, King Soopers, for knowing my needs.

I think my personal problem is that when I have everything under control, I think I can add just one more thing. It's like carrying groceries in from the car. That voice in your head says "Oh, come on, you can pick up one more bag! You're already getting the rest, why not that one too? And why not that one too? You can do it all in one trip, it's just one more bag! Then one more, come on!" Until all of a sudden, you go to open the door and one of the handles slips your grip while transferring hands and the milk falls onto the eggs and bread and the whole day is ruined. 

That may have happened. I'll never tell. 

Maybe it's like Buddha said, the problem is, we think we have time. Sometimes I forget to look at things realistically and just go with my impulses. Maybe when things get busy, I rely too much on my brain's ability to reason. Or employ defense mechanisms, like never admitting I'm not invincible. Actually, I don't think I'm as good at that as I used to be. Or maybe dependence was my defense mechanism. But that's not an option now. It's kinda an 'all-or-nothing' sort of thing. 

So even though they say all things in moderation, they also say 'when it rains, it pours.' There's always something pouring because its opposite isn't raining. There's always too much free time because there's nothing to do, or no free time because everything needs to be done, all at once, and you're the only one to do it. 

But it's alright. Just like when I suddenly became an adult, I'll adjust. It just happens to be that part of life when I'm too old to be a kid but too young to really know what I'm doing. It's a game of adaptation right now. I think I'll enjoy being a grown up. Actually, I think I'll enjoy being old. I'll enjoy not having to worry about where I'm going because I'll have already been there. 

Plus senior discounts. I can't wait for senior discounts. But that's a lifetime away.

Resolve

2012 being over, the obvious thought process is to reflect upon the year past and ahead to what can be made of 2013. The tradition to make a resolution can often be difficult, there are so many cliches to choose from, so as a conscientious blogger, I want to help you out.

That was a lie, through and through. This is not about me being a conscientious blogger, this is not about me wanting to be helpful. If I did that, the next thing you know I'll be posting about 15 ways to use vinegar as a cleaning agent. Never spend money on commercial cleaning agents again!
I'm also not posting about what my resolutions are. Though I may share a few that I have in mind for myself, that would be reckless and altogether quite boring.

So let's get one thing clear: this is my New Year's Eve wishlist. I am not sending it off to the North Pole, I'm sending it to cyberspace. Now you, my little elves, can either go about checking it off or ignore it entirely at your own discretion. Maybe you put me on the naughty list, I don't know. 

Here's a hint for all my literary minded friends: yes, that cross contamination of holidays was intentional, and very, very important.

Now, to the meat of the article. Onward and upward! Or downward, I guess. This scrolling makes everything a little anticlimactic.

1. Be a more conscientious consumer

No, I don't intend for this to mean "find better bargains". Yes, it is a little self serving to wish for this from a service job. But when you read why I mean what I mean, hopefully you'll feel compelled to comply.

Last night, I had the esteemed pleasure of cleaning IMAX glasses from the receptacle labeled "Please Return 3D Glasses" in big, bold letters. When I picked up the inner bag to bring the glasses back to the cleaning station, it started to drip.

"Wonderful," I thought, "Just perfect." Then I realized it was dripping red, oozing crimson. Goody. Then when I finally opened the bag, I found the cup. It was not one of our lovely movie theatre cups, no. It was from a fast food chain for those who like to eat fresh on an underground train. Specifically Michael Phelps and some guy with over-sized pants.

I understand not wanting to buy from the concessions stand. Prices are steep, I'm not denying that. The people you'd by it from know that. Every time a cashier rings up an eight dollar large popcorn, they are acutely aware that you just spent more in 3 seconds than they make in an hour. Actually, I'm pretty sure the same goes for the small popcorn too, after taxes.

The high price rate, however, does not give you any sympathy when ignoring the rules and signs is your game. It does not give you any rights, any excuses, any leeway, or any strain of understanding. Especially not when you don't even pay the prices, and bring in your own drink, then throw it away half full in an IMAX glasses receptacle. 

What I mean by being a conscientious consumer is to understand what consequences your actions will have within the establishment. Put yourself in the shoes of the people who work there, because most of them make minimum wage. They don't make enough to justify a blatant disregard for common sense (or literacy) on your part.

Every person should have 3 jobs in their lifetime. 
1) Cleaning up after strangers
2) Serving strangers
3) Customer service

Having to clean up after strangers is a branding experience. It makes you aware of how piggish humans can be when they aren't held accountable for their messes. There's a joke to be made about politics and future generations in there, but that's a tangent and I'm resolving to stop doing those. But the point is, cleaning up after people makes you more apt to clean up after yourself, because you don't want to be the person that makes strangers clean up after you. Because you know what it's liked to not be thanked for it.

Serving strangers, having to get them everything they desire, taking nothing but money in return, then having that money taken away to be compiled and distributed out of your sight, it's hard. It is. It takes a special kind of person to be the middle man in the chain of consumerism. They are bossed around by company and customer alike. The more pious human beings know the value of service, but they do it for a higher cause. Doing it for minimum wage is just as humbling (or humiliating) but with less of a reward. 

Customer service is its own breed of service. The difference is that in service, customers usually are more patient, less aggressive, and generally speak in softer tones. In regular service, if the guest is upset, there's usually something in your power that can be done to resolve the situation. If there isn't, you direct them to customer service.

In customer service, what the customer wants is usually something intangible, (and occasionally unintelligible) and it requires a lot of the person behind the counter. The job of customer service is to atone for all the shortcomings of your coworkers, to be the face of blame, to be the scapegoat (which the customer usually sees as the true culprit) and to smile all the same. By being a conscientious consumer, understand that the person behind the counter is making just as little money as the person behind the register. They are reading from a script designed by people they haven't even met, and have only as much power as minimum wage can buy.

Also along this line, be conscientious of your fellow consumers. Don't pay in pennies when there's a long line. Respect the tensa-barriers, even if there's only 3 other people vying for the register. Don't let your kids kick the seat, run wild, scream like crazy, tap the speaker/microphone, dishevel all the displays, and then reward it all with everything they ask for. It breeds poor consumers for the future. 

 
Abridged: Be nice. Be aware. Be sensible.

2. Ask more of yourself than of others

Funny thing about resolutions, they are (usually) made one night a year and forgotten a month later. People shirk the responsibility that they gave themselves. It's okay to get tired. It's okay to need a break. But the thing is, everyone tends to get tired around the same time. When someone shirks responsibility, they cast it off to land on someone else. And that's just inconsiderate and rude to the person it lands on.

I think asking more of yourself is realistically the most logical life plan. If you need something done, do it yourself. If you need something got, get it yourself. If you feel like you need to trust someone, trust yourself. Never allow the burdens you place on others be collectively greater than the load you bear.

I believe in what I call karma, even though I'm pretty sure it's far off from what it's supposed to be. Basically, what I believe is that being a better person today than you were yesterday will reward you tomorrow. People like to fall back on "Karma's a bitch" when really, karma is a great thing. It means you have control of your own situation and life. You set the terms and conditions and life has to pretend to read them and check the little box before continuing.

That being said, living life to the easiest today will only make it harder tomorrow. Always ask more of yourself than others, because if you're not strong enough to support yourself, how could you hope to help others? And if you don't help others, who will be there to help you when your plate gets just a little too full?

Karma, optimist style.

3. Don't wish ill on others

Really, it's is just rude to hope for someone else's worst. In fact, it's a little sadistic to derive pleasure from the misfortune of others. There's a word for that, schadenfreude, and the Germans came up with it. Infer what you will.

I don't know a single person that has the same life story as me. In fact, I know there isn't one. And the same goes for everyone else, too. Sure, the big things might be the same, but sometimes it's the small things that can define a person's attitude. Like that grouchy lady behind you in line while you dig for a quarter in the bottom of your pocket. You could wish for her to have a bad day, but you don't know, she may be having one already, and that's why she's grouchy.

Along the lines of the karma thing, I believe in the momentum of thought. Positive thinking yields positive results, and the converse. Negative thinking will yield negative things, and honestly, is it worth it to have your Jiminy Cricket chastising you for grouchy lady's bad day? For as messed up as Disney's made some of us, they threw in some good lessons here and there. Like "always let your conscience be your guide". At the end of the day, there's always one person you'll be going to bed with, don't give them reason to keep you up all night. 

4. Give the benefit of the doubt

This is something that used to be a given and people wouldn't have to resolve to do this. In those days, movies cost 10 cents and people went to the soda parlor afterwards.

But in all honesty, it's been a trend in my observation that a mistake is much grander than it should be. If I see one more post about there/their/they're with the caption "Im such a grammer nazi, lol," I'll throw my computer. At the risk of doing this myself, don't openly criticize other people. You never know when you'll mess up in the same exact way and seem a hypocrite.

Malapropisms used to pluck such a comedic chord, and now they're apt to incite a full-blown, caps locked BRAWL in the comments section. Really? C'mon. Don't unfriend someone over an apostrophe. As I write this, I have 6 other tabs open, 3 texting conversations in the works, and Spotify playing. If you're the kind of person who can focus on one single task while on the internet, I hope you heed my warning and show mercy.

Footnote: This applies to more than just internet grammar, sorry for the lack of variety in examples.

5. Follow through

This shouldn't really stand on its own, it's more of a .5 than a 5. 

I know I'm not the only one to have made a resolution that I promptly dropped, so this resolution is a win-win for my fellow January-only resolutioneers. This way, if you keep your other resolution, you get to say you did two!

And if you fail to follow through, at least there's the irony to laugh at. Win-win.




I've only ever kept one resolution in my life, and that's because I made it with an end date in mind. My idea is that every day can be like New Years Eve, that you can wake up any day and decide to start living a better life, (toldja the hybrid holiday thing would come up again). And sometimes it doesn't have to be for a whole year, it can just be for a time. I don't know a single wife who's done the pre-wedding diet and work out routine since they said "I do", but they kept it up until then, and that's an accomplishment.

Reader's challenge: Did I post this late to be ironic? Or do I really just need to work on following through? You'll never know.

Actually, I don't think I'll ever know.