It's Raining, It's Pouring

They say 'all things in moderation,' but really, who listens? Or rather, what listens? Answer: Absolutely no one and nothing. People show a complete disregard for this (or at least, I do), and so do the Powers that Be. 

There's a reason I just watched all 7 seasons of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. And 6 of Doctor Who. And most of Scrubs. I can't help it. Moderation is quite frankly a foreign concept. There are too many questions that have no concrete answer. How much time is too much free time? Do I really spend too much time doing nothing? Is that actually the correct portion size for coffee? Are my blankets too fluffy and numerous? Are there too many things to do?

The questions can only be answered when it's too late, when I can take a step back and evaluate the situation and say "That. That is too much." It's never an 'in the moment' decision, and there's not really a line that you see yourself crossing.

And then there's the whole other problem of scaling back. If you can't see the line you crossed, how can you know when you've crossed back over? Some days I feel like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense, I've crossed over and have NO IDEA. (Sorry for the spoilers. But if you didn't know that already, that's your loss.)

Back when high school was coming to a close, I wanted nothing more than independence. I wanted to be in control of all of my decisions, I wanted that power. But then I got it. Now, I'm budgeting time between work and school and errands, and panicking about fixing my car and paying for food while trying to squeeze in a social life. Independence is great. All 24/7 of it. (Psych! Not really.)

Even while trying to budget my time, fit all things in moderation, sometimes I just can't help but overwhelm my day and have to take advantage of the 24 hour grocery store. It's the way it has to be; life isn't coming in moderation. Problems don't come budgeted. Everything comes at once. The mechanic, the registrar, and my doctor all have set hours. Something needs to get pushed back to 11:30 pm. Thank you, King Soopers, for knowing my needs.

I think my personal problem is that when I have everything under control, I think I can add just one more thing. It's like carrying groceries in from the car. That voice in your head says "Oh, come on, you can pick up one more bag! You're already getting the rest, why not that one too? And why not that one too? You can do it all in one trip, it's just one more bag! Then one more, come on!" Until all of a sudden, you go to open the door and one of the handles slips your grip while transferring hands and the milk falls onto the eggs and bread and the whole day is ruined. 

That may have happened. I'll never tell. 

Maybe it's like Buddha said, the problem is, we think we have time. Sometimes I forget to look at things realistically and just go with my impulses. Maybe when things get busy, I rely too much on my brain's ability to reason. Or employ defense mechanisms, like never admitting I'm not invincible. Actually, I don't think I'm as good at that as I used to be. Or maybe dependence was my defense mechanism. But that's not an option now. It's kinda an 'all-or-nothing' sort of thing. 

So even though they say all things in moderation, they also say 'when it rains, it pours.' There's always something pouring because its opposite isn't raining. There's always too much free time because there's nothing to do, or no free time because everything needs to be done, all at once, and you're the only one to do it. 

But it's alright. Just like when I suddenly became an adult, I'll adjust. It just happens to be that part of life when I'm too old to be a kid but too young to really know what I'm doing. It's a game of adaptation right now. I think I'll enjoy being a grown up. Actually, I think I'll enjoy being old. I'll enjoy not having to worry about where I'm going because I'll have already been there. 

Plus senior discounts. I can't wait for senior discounts. But that's a lifetime away.